An Open Letter from the 1% to Everyone Else

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Dear Suckers,
            We were just talking about you. We were just musing on the possibilities of providing you with affordable healthcare, and absolving you of debt, or in the least not charging you so much interest on your loans. But, working hard builds backbone, right? Keep trudging, and someday you, too, can call yourselves self-made millionaires.
We would like to address those of you who die for us in warzones. Do you realize how low the price of oil is today? You have done your duty to your country, by keeping us safe from the threat of Jihadist terrorists as well as stabilizing the economy. We appreciate the high cost of your sacrifice. Consider your debt to society paid. As for the students, the bright young stars of the future, consider your debt like a fraternity hazing, an initiation into the working world. Until you are ready to take the reins, we will guide this great nation towards greater global domination. Do not believe the detractors who claim that we are building our own wealth at the expense of your future. It is precisely your future that we are securing. Keep fighting. Keep learning. Keep eating chips and candy. Keep drinking soda and beer. You earned it. By the way, there’s only so much corn byproduct we can feed to chickens and cows. Honestly if it weren’t for you, we’d have so much corn. Thank you for buying in.
Remember: every vote only gets counted once, just like every dollar.  And, don’t think that just because we don’t pay as many taxes as you think we should, that we don’t contribute. Who do you think finances the media, the news, and all of those movies and TV shows that you love? Some day, you’ll learn about tax loopholes and overseas accounts, too, and then you’ll understand what makes this country great. Speaking of which, thank you not even noticing when we removed Glass-Steagall. Too big to fail applies to all of us. Remember, If the banks fail, so do you.
We would especially like to acknowledge those working for minimum wages: the people who clean our toilets, work in the sewers and in meat lockers, oh and those of you who handle medical waste. You are all doing jobs that none of us would ever do. Hold tight. Someday we’ll raise your wages. In the meanwhile, your lack of greed allows us to keep labor costs low, so that we can use that money to invest in higher risk bets against future inabilities to pay mortgages, and other invisible things like bitcoins. We are securing all of your futures. Trust us. Oh, and in regards to all of those evictions in 2008. Sorry. We were just trying to make more money. We weren’t trying to make you homeless. Keep praying. Your sacrifices for your country are astonishing. Seriously, everything you do benefits us. Thank you for all of your hard work. You will be rewarded in heaven.
Sincerely,
Your Masters, The 1%