Perhaps you have a great concept for a trilogy regarding an intergalactic mole that burrows through black holes ever in search of the most fertile planet of the Universe. Your amygdala swarms with images of bad guys flying jet-fueled weed-whackers and a love interest- the beautiful princess Beaver. Alas, your masterpiece cannot be completed, your movie deal cannot be inked, your new life as a famous author slash wealthy person slash sex-god cannot begin, because you have yet to create a memorable title.
In this book, I will teach you the 12 Steps of Title Creation to send you on your way to becoming a famous author slash wealthy person slash sex-god. I have done thousands of studies including hundreds of people in order to create this scientific formula designed to guarantee your title writing success.
Step 1: Start with the word “The.”
My studies show that people love buying books and going to see movies whose titles begin with the word “The.” One study participant explained, “Seeing “The” points me towards the book like a lighthouse.”
The Mole Holes
The Space Digger
The Lighthouse Book
Step 2: Use words like “Diaries”,“Chronicles” or “Experiment”
Another in depth study shows that most people are impressed with the word “Experiment.” One study indicates that using the word “Experiment” in your title increases book sales, as study participants felt more likely to trust the author as an expert who has conducted an “Experiment,” whether or not the book is actually based upon an Experiment. Many exhaustive and accurate studies indicate that “Chronicle” has a similar effect, and that “Diaries” tends to attract the coveted Young Adult Audience. Hook them and you will have a loyal fan base for the next seventy to seventy-five years.
The Mole Hole Experiment
The Diaries of Princess Beaver
The Chronicles of a Space Mole
At this point, I pause to give away the entire book. You must have something to look forward to...
Below are two appendices to further titilate your appetite for titular mastery:
Appendix A: The Twelve Steps of Title Creation
Step 1: Start with the word “The.”
Step 2: Use words like Diaries, Chronicles, or Experiment.
Step 3: Create Titles that sound a lot like other really famous ones.
Step 4: Don’t rhyme (unless it’s a children’s book).
Step 5: Sex Sells! But, the words penis and vagina don’t.
Step 6: If you come up with a really, really good title, disregard all other steps.
Step 7: Title writing is fun, but don’t put the F and the U in F-U-N. (Never insult your audience).
Step 8: The power of “of.”
Step 9: When totally stuck, go with one happy-sounding word like, “Sunshine” or “Ocean” or “Nickel.”
Step 10: Buy my other book, Book Titles Two: The Chronicles of Sex.
Step 11: Consult appendix B.
Step 12: It doesn’t really matter. Your editor will change the name of your title.
Appendix B. A List of Suggested Book Titles. (See Step 11)
Note: Many of the titles on this list are in accordance with Step 6: If you come up with a really, really good title, disregard all other steps.
Love/Sex Advice Books:
Love is a four Letter Word, just like Puke
Tickle, Tickle, Oops
Pregnant Teens Still Deserve to Explore
Kissing Cousins, Eskimo Brothers and other tales of Incest
Ted and Fred Don’t Wet Their Beds
Smashy, the lazy Tomato
Jesus was a Nice Jewish Boy
We were just talking about you. We were just musing on the possibilities of providing you with affordable healthcare, and absolving you of debt, or in the least not charging you so much interest on your loans. But, working hard builds backbone, right? Keep trudging, and someday you, too, can call yourselves self-made millionaires.
We would like to address those of you who die for us in warzones. Do you realize how low the price of oil is today? You have done your duty to your country, by keeping us safe from the threat of Jihadist terrorists as well as stabilizing the economy. We appreciate the high cost of your sacrifice. Consider your debt to society paid. As for the students, the bright young stars of the future, consider your debt like a fraternity hazing, an initiation into the working world. Until you are ready to take the reins, we will guide this great nation towards greater global domination. Do not believe the detractors who claim that we are building our own wealth at the expense of your future. It is precisely your future that we are securing. Keep fighting. Keep learning. Keep eating chips and candy. Keep drinking soda and beer. You earned it. By the way, there’s only so much corn byproduct we can feed to chickens and cows. Honestly if it weren’t for you, we’d have so much corn. Thank you for buying in.
Remember: every vote only gets counted once, just like every dollar. And, don’t think that just because we don’t pay as many taxes as you think we should, that we don’t contribute. Who do you think finances the media, the news, and all of those movies and TV shows that you love? Some day, you’ll learn about tax loopholes and overseas accounts, too, and then you’ll understand what makes this country great. Speaking of which, thank you not even noticing when we removed Glass-Steagall. Too big to fail applies to all of us. Remember, If the banks fail, so do you.
We would especially like to acknowledge those working for minimum wages: the people who clean our toilets, work in the sewers and in meat lockers, oh and those of you who handle medical waste. You are all doing jobs that none of us would ever do. Hold tight. Someday we’ll raise your wages. In the meanwhile, your lack of greed allows us to keep labor costs low, so that we can use that money to invest in higher risk bets against future inabilities to pay mortgages, and other invisible things like bitcoins. We are securing all of your futures. Trust us. Oh, and in regards to all of those evictions in 2008. Sorry. We were just trying to make more money. We weren’t trying to make you homeless. Keep praying. Your sacrifices for your country are astonishing. Seriously, everything you do benefits us. Thank you for all of your hard work. You will be rewarded in heaven.
Your Masters, The 1%