The 12 Steps of Title Creation (a book pitch)

   Perhaps you have a great concept for a trilogy regarding an intergalactic mole that burrows through black holes ever in search of the most fertile planet of the Universe. Your amygdala swarms with images of bad guys flying jet-fueled weed-whackers and a love interest- the beautiful princess Beaver. Alas, your masterpiece cannot be completed, your movie deal cannot be inked, your new life as a famous author slash wealthy person slash sex-god cannot begin, because you have yet to create a memorable title.
In this book, I will teach you the 12 Steps of Title Creation to send you on your way to becoming a famous author slash wealthy person slash sex-god. I have done thousands of studies including hundreds of people in order to create this scientific formula designed to guarantee your title writing success.

Step 1: Start with the word “The.”

My studies show that people love buying books and going to see movies whose titles begin with the word “The.” One study participant explained, “Seeing “The” points me towards the book like a lighthouse.”
Examples:
The Mole Holes
The Space Digger
The Lighthouse Book

Step 2: Use words like “Diaries”,“Chronicles” or “Experiment”

Another in depth study shows that most people are impressed with the word “Experiment.” One study indicates that using the word “Experiment” in your title increases book sales, as study participants felt more likely to trust the author as an expert who has conducted an “Experiment,” whether or not the book is actually based upon an Experiment. Many exhaustive and accurate studies indicate that “Chronicle” has a similar effect, and that “Diaries” tends to attract the coveted Young Adult Audience. Hook them and you will have a loyal fan base for the next seventy to seventy-five years. 
Examples:
The Mole Hole Experiment
The Diaries of Princess Beaver
The Chronicles of a Space Mole
 
At this point, I pause to give away the entire book. You must have something to look forward to...
Below are two appendices to further titilate your appetite for titular mastery:

Appendix A: The Twelve Steps of Title Creation
Step 1: Start with the word “The.”
Step 2: Use words like Diaries, Chronicles, or Experiment.
Step 3: Create Titles that sound a lot like other really famous ones.
Step 4: Don’t rhyme (unless it’s a children’s book).
Step 5: Sex Sells! But, the words penis and vagina don’t.
Step 6: If you come up with a really, really good title, disregard all other steps.
Step 7: Title writing is fun, but don’t put the F and the U in F-U-N. (Never insult your audience).
Step 8: The power of “of.”
Step 9:  When totally stuck, go with one happy-sounding word like, “Sunshine” or “Ocean” or “Nickel.”
Step 10: Buy my other book, Book Titles Two: The Chronicles of Sex.
Step 11: Consult appendix B.
Step 12: It doesn’t really matter. Your editor will change the name of your title.
 
Appendix B.   A List of Suggested Book Titles. (See Step 11)
Note: Many of the titles on this list are in accordance with Step 6: If you come up with a really, really good title, disregard all other steps.
           
Love/Sex Advice Books:
Love is a four Letter Word, just like Puke
Tickle, Tickle, Oops
Pregnant Teens Still Deserve to Explore
Kissing Cousins, Eskimo Brothers and other tales of Incest
                                                           
Children’s Books:
Ted and Fred Don’t Wet Their Beds
Smashy, the lazy Tomato
Jesus was a Nice Jewish Boy